It's Not Easy

This is my new favorite picture.

I read an article today written by Susan Klebold, the mother of Dylan Kleabold, one of the gunmen from the Columbine shooting. She talked about that day and how she felt, the fear, the guilt, the humiliation. She said that she didnt see it coming, that there were few warnings and that despite public opinion, she was a good mother. Following this article there were many comments, most offering sympathy, but several criticizing her for not accepting blame and for not recognizing, passing over, or allowing someone else to handle the few warning signs that were present. But what I feel is that she is a mother just like the rest of us, which means she was most often too busy, a little crazy, and blinded by the love she had for her child. Mothers are expected to be perfect these days. We are supposed to know when to push, and when to step aside. We are supposed to be calm and collected despite a raging temper tantrum. We are supposed to know when something is wrong, exactally what it is and just how to fix it. But the truth is a "Mother's Intuition" only goes so far. These are little humans we are raising, not robots. They are unique and have their own unique problems and personalilies. And mothers are human too. Which means we make mistakes. Sometimes we push too hard that our children push away. Sometimes we yell and scream and pitch our own little temper tantrum. And sometimes we never knew anything was wrong, or have no idea how to fix the pain. Susan Kleblod has lived a mothers nighmare. Despite her best efforts the child she loved so desperately, committed an unspeakable act. Not only did she lose her child, but her precious little boy was responsible for taking the lives of so many other mother's children. Did Susan make mistkes? Of course. But haven't we all?
My worst fear as a mother right now is my children growing up. Cole is only 5 years old and I already feel that I dont know him as well as I used to. He is maturing and carving out his own personality, his own likes and dislikes. He is changing from the baby that I knew in and out into a boy that doesnt want his mommy to hold him anymore when he fall and skins his knee. And it terrifies me. I am not always going to be there to help him in life to make the right choices. He is going to learn thing that I have not taught him nor do I approve of. And all I can do is hope and pray that the things I have taught him will stick, that he will remember them at the crutial moment and that he will feel my love and God's love wheather or not he makes the right choice.